Unfeeling bitch

Well I promised myself I would write a blog every day that I was off on holiday. Some sort of present!

Today has been very strange in a way. I was able to take my child to school, which I usually cannot do, having to go to work. I should accept this as a matter of course, but I can’t. And now I see very clearly that I am missing time that I can never replace, with this stupid work thing. My son wanted me to stay in the room, but I said I had to leave. I’m not sure why. I felt as though I was in the way, as if the teacher needed to get started. But I think the real reason was that it was just too painful, or too pleasurable, to be able to stand there, and talk to the teacher and see his little class room, things I never get to imagine, rushing off as I do. And what kind of life is that for either of us? It’s pathetic. I should be able to stay home, or work some sort of flexi time so that I could see him at school. If I had been clever, I would have captured a good husband so I could have stayed home.

But no no, I had to have morals and standards. I had to be independent. And now where has it landed me? I can’t even take my child to school. Why did I do this to myself? There’s no way to make it better, and cleaning my bathtub this morning only added insult to injury. Other women managed to play this game a lot better. I’ve really screwed up and I still can’t manage it properly.

I said good bye to my son, and ran off. I don’t think I even focused on him. Why do I spend so much time trying not to think, not to focus, not to pay attention? Is it just the pain factor? He wanted my attention, and I couldn’t even manage that. What a loser. I try to look as though I know what I am doing, but I don’t. Not at all. And now he is at school, and I am here, and what am I doing?

All he wanted me to do was stay, and all I could think about was keeping up appearances. I am just sad.

In a dream world, I would quit my job, and take him to school every day. I don’t know how the rent would get paid, or who would keep us in food or clothing, but sometimes I don’t even care. He just wanted me there in the room with him, and he gave me a big hug, and did I respond? No, I just sort of pushed him away. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. And what should I do about it? I would like to spend the week off fixing it, if possible. When you think of all the things I don’t even know about my own child. What his class room looks like filled with children. Where he sits. What he does in the morning on the way to school. It’s ridiculous. What kind of stupid life is this? And why am I unable to show any love, or to receive any? I just run off and hide and try to go through the motions. That’s it, going through the motions. I spend my entire life talking crap and lying to others and to myself. And this is called being organised. Ha. Did I even look at him as I left? How does that make him feel? Who do I think I am kidding? I am messed up. And now I am lonely and alone. I deserve it. I reject normal life all the time, no wonder I am the way I am.

Did I even look at him properly as I left? Do I have any feelings left at all? What was I thinking? Just guilt. Do I belong there, should I leave him behind, what will people think? Did I wash my hair this morning? Really. This is the level of thinking I bring to my daily life. No wonder I am on the losing end of things. And to think I hurt my son. I rejected him. He hugs me, and I push him away. I am deranged, seriously. I spend all my life trying not to feel. And now I’ve just noticed, that I can’t feel any more. Except I can. I feel pain and anger, mostly at myself, for being so cold and unfeeling to everyone. I just can’t do it anymore.

The end of being in denial. Except I don’t really see what good it will do me, except the wonderful experience of feeling more pain, more failure. Can I change any of this? I don’t know. But I don’t know why I’ve just shut down. It’s eerie. I just want to give him love. So why can’t I? Or why didn’t I? Maybe that is what is going to change now, my own relationship with what I know and what I want. Work work work. As if that was going to solve anything. A teacher spends more time with my son than I do. Is that right? Hardly.

And here is the garbage truck. Well they can take my outdated ideas about who I am and who is watching me with it. What can I do to change all this? I suppose the first thing is to actually pay attention to what is going on around me. When I feel pain, instead of pushing it away, I should acknowledge that it is there. Stop trying to pretend it isn’t happening. The same for anything good, should I happen to feel it. Let others see me happy, for once. My child. Hugged me. I need to feel everything, and the trouble is that everything hurts.